


There's Something About Crookshanks

by Trawler



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: F/M, Snark, Stage Play
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-13
Updated: 2020-12-13
Packaged: 2021-03-11 02:41:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 542
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28047852
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Trawler/pseuds/Trawler
Summary: Why is Professor Snape chasing Professor Granger down in Hogwarts' corridors? And just what has Crookshanks done?
Relationships: Hermione Granger/Severus Snape
Comments: 1
Kudos: 32





	There's Something About Crookshanks

**Author's Note:**

> A play in one act.
> 
> This is part of a mostly unconnected series of short and long Snape/Hermione fics. They were written about fifteen years ago and posted elsewhere, but I've decided I want to keep all my fanfics together.

Scene: 1 of 1

(PROFESSOR HERMIONE GRANGER STRIDES ALONG A DESERTED CORRIDOR IN HOGWARTS CASTLE.)

SOUND: BRISK TAP OF HEELED SHOES ON FLAGSTONES, MUTTERING VOICE OF PROFESSOR GRANGER

HERMIONE:...if Albus offers me a lemon drop just one more time, I swear by Merlin’s hairy arse I’m going to hex his beard off...

SOUND: POUNDING OF DRAGONHIDE BOOTS ON FLAGSTONES, FLAPPING ROBES, LABORED BREATHING

SNAPE: Professor Granger! Granger! Merlin, woman, will you just slow down?

HERMIONE: Professor Snape. A little out of breath?

SOUND: FOOTFALLS AND FLAPPING ROBES CEASE. SNAPE’S BREATHING RAPIDLY EVENS OUT

SNAPE: Cut the sarcasm – we both know I’m the only teacher at Hogwarts fully qualified to use it.

HERMIONE: And use it you do! If you’ll excuse me, Severus...

SNAPE:(ANNOYED) I haven’t finished yet! And I don’t recall giving you permission to use my first name!

HERMIONE:(SWEETLY) Perhaps your memory is faulty – was your daily Pepper-Up Potion past its ‘Use By’ date?

SNAPE:(AGGRIEVED) Madam, I am a _Potions Master._ Not a hormone-addled first-year! 

HERMIONE: First year? Obviously not. Hormone-addled...well...

SNAPE: Hermione!

HERMIONE: Now who’s using first names?

SNAPE: This is utterly childish!

HERMIONE: I would say you started it, but...

SNAPE:(ANGRY) Professor Granger! I halted your impetuous charge through the corridors for a reason!

HERMIONE:(SNIDE) Oh, really? I thought you’d done it for the fun of it.

SNAPE: Merlin’s beard, if casting Unforgiveables wasn’t out of vogue...

HERMIONE: And there’s the Head of Slytherin we all know and loathe. What do you want?

SNAPE:(SNEERING) That excrescence of a furball you call a cat. He seems to think his litter tray is under the desk in my office.

HERMIONE:(INDIGNANT) He’s not a cat, he’s half-Kneazle!

SNAPE: Once again, you miss the point with astounding ease.

HERMIONE: I didn’t miss it, I ignored it. Cats and Kneazles go where they will.

SNAPE: Not in my office, they don’t!

HERMIONE: Clearly, Crookshanks does.

SNAPE:(ICE COLD) This is the first and only warning I will give. If your nuisance befouls my office one more time, I will hex his private parts into oblivion. Do you understand?

HERMIONE:(HAUGHTY) If you do that, I shall be forced to retaliate in kind. Do _you_ understand?

SNAPE:(MENACINGLY) You would threaten _me?_

HERMIONE: That wasn’t a threat, dear Professor, merely a friendly warning. After all, we can behave like adults.

(SNAPE IS SILENT)

HERMIONE: Can’t we?

(SNAPE REMAINS SILENT)

HERMIONE:(SIGHING) All right, all right, I’ll have a talk with him!

SNAPE: Talk to him, you mean. Cats can’t answer back.

HERMIONE: Half-Kneazle!

SOUND: HERMIONE MAKES AN IRRITATED NOISE

HERMIONE: Crookshanks can’t talk, it’s true, but he’s got a very... expressive... range of body language. He certainly understands everything I tell him.

SNAPE: Kindly tell him to stay out of my office!

HERMIONE: I’ll see what I can do.

SNAPE: See that you do. Good day.

SOUND: SNAPE TURNS WITH A SWISH OF ROBES AND STALKS AWAY, DRAGONHIDE BOOTS RAPPING THE FLAGSTONES AS HE LEAVES

HERMIONE:(SING-SONG TONE OF VOICE) “If your nuisance befouls my office one more time...” Who does he think he is?

(HERMIONE IS SILENT FOR A MOMENT)

HERMIONE: I wonder if I can persuade Crookshanks to crap in his classroom?

(FADE OUT)


End file.
